Why Not Me?
Time to heal.
Time to heal what exactly? Me but not in the usual “fix the past trauma” kind of way. It’s a different kind of healing, more grounded in the present reality. I dealt with the stuff that happened when I was 10 years old. That stuff is over. This isn’t that, it’s more real than that, more honest, more true to who I am now and maybe who I’m not any longer.
My journey the last few months has been one of becoming more authentically myself. I did the hard stuff in terms of healing from the past and then I became something that wasn’t completely true. There was still a part of me that was latched onto who or what I thought I needed to be.
My vision of myself and my life fit in the box of normal and socially acceptable for a very long time. That meant the version of myself I had in my head was also “normal” and “socially acceptable”. I may not look wild and different on the outside, but I am on the inside.
I trapped myself unintentionally, in a place I’m now trying to find my way out of. I have no clear path or direction. I don’t really know where any of this leads, I’m just going with it. Plan or no plan, it doesn’t seem to matter right now. Winging it seems to be perfectly fine.
Trust the outcome. That’s what they say anyway. Okay, how about I just don’t think about it? Maybe that’ll work better. I mean, I don’t have control over the outcome anyway, so thinking about it is just a problem waiting to happen. I’m better to just skip that part and take it article by article or blog by blog instead.
I can apply all the spiritual and philosophical principles and ideas I want. They are brilliant, but sometimes they create a contradiction because society – life – doesn’t bend that way. To truly trust the outcome I have to believe I’m going to get what I want, better yet, I have to be crazy enough to think I can control the outcome enough that I can make it give me what I want. Tell me, when has that ever worked?
So, since my bitter self can’t trust the outcome, what can I trust? Myself. I can trust myself to handle what happens next. It’s far easier to trust myself than it is to trust the outside world to change in the way I want it to. But even that gets messy sometimes. We get taught not to trust ourselves and that’s where healing from the past can help. Once you do that, it frees you a bit to try things and see what happens without worrying so much about the outcome.
This feels a lot like throwing spaghetti at the wall just to see what sticks. My logical self wants to tell me that’s not how it’s supposed to go. You’re supposed to have a plan and a schedule. It’s supposed to be crafted and intentional. But instead for me it’s messy, sloppy, haphazard, random, and subject to change. With that comes honesty, authenticity, and maybe even a bit of vulnerability.
I keep trying to make a plan because it’s ingrained in me to do that. But I can’t plan because I don’t stick to plans. Ask the version of me from last month how the plan went. It didn’t because plans suck and they aren’t who I am. My intuitive self wants to be free to write and I want to stick it in a box so that every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday there’s an article or a podcast episode perfectly posted right on time.
What do you mean I’m not supposed to stick to that? What do you mean the rules around content posting and sharing don’t apply? How come I can’t just fit in the box like everybody else? Why do I have to be different? Why do I have to carve my own path? How did I get here? Why me?
Why not me? That’s the only answer I have. Why not just run with it and see where it takes me? What’s the harm? I can walk away just like the other thousand times I’ve done so in the past. So what? It just feels different this time. It’s hitting differently and I’m not totally sure why.
There’s a part of me begging to be seen, to come out and explore the world. There’s a part of me that’s still protective, still clinging to whatever remains of who I was. Death and rebirth are part of the cycle of healing. This time it’s one of those long, slow deaths in a bad B rated movie. Eventually, after stumbling around the room for a while, the guy collapses to the floor only to struggle a while longer until there is a dramatic last breath and the scene ends.
That’s what endings look like. That’s what we all do when we’re trying to release things or make some sort of change. The movie takes something serious and makes it comical – maybe they are onto something. Maybe we all need to take life and transitions a little less seriously. But that’s hard. Life seems so serious in the moment.
This strange place I’ve found myself in isn’t comfortable by any stretch. I’m not afraid of it, but at the same time it’s a little sketchy. The more sketchy things are the more serious they seem to become. Human perception is always so fascinating. Is what I’m seeing true? Am I seeing this clearly? Maybe. Maybe not. I’ll figure that part out later.
I’ve learned over time the clarity will come as long as I do the best I can from where I am, most of the time it all sorts itself out. From the present moment, I’ve learned to trust my experience to show me what I need. It does so faithfully without holding any punches. If I don’t victimize myself with it, I can usually figure out what it’s trying to tell me. That doesn’t mean for a second that I don’t look around and wonder why me sometimes. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel the feelings, get angry, frustrated, or upset. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to give up every other day. It means my commitment to self-mastery, my intuition, spirituality, and philosophy drag (literally kicking and screaming) me back every time to try again.
Why do I have to try again? I feel like a small child being asked to get back on the two-wheel bike after a fall. Because this is what you’re here for. This is who you are. You can’t change that. Well you could, but you wouldn’t like that either. Keep going. You’ll figure it out.
Are we done yet? Are we there yet? Can I get off the ride now, please? Every single solitary human being that has gone through the healing journey has wanted to get off the ride. Now, more than ever, people want to get off the ride. Why? Because it’s messy, chaotic, stressful, painful, heart-breaking, and just plain hard.
What good does my little vision of a world where survival and lack are not on the menu every day, do us right now? Nothing. Not a god damn thing. But do I have the vision anyway? Do I see it clearly anyway? Does it yell to be shared? Yes. All yes. Why? It’s too late now. We need to buckle up and hope to hell we don’t kill ourselves and my intuition wants me to do what? That wasn’t part of the script. It wasn’t on my bingo card. But here we are.
So I sit in this messy place, attempting to share the mess with you, hoping maybe it’ll reach somebody that will understand. If not, I’ll write more anyway. Plan or no plan, the work goes on. I don’t know what’s next.
Do you?
Much love to all.
Della