Self-Mastery Vs. Self-Improvement
The new year brings a scheduled opportunity to start again, create something new, and maybe change some things. As human beings, we love the idea of a new day, week, month, or year as a reason to create some sort of intentional change.
Often those changes are self-improvement related. How many new gym memberships are sold in time for a new year? How many people try to eat healthier? How many people try to quit smoking? There are dozens of these types of self-improvement ideas out there that people try all the time.
Healing sometimes gets looked at as a self-improvement idea. “Well, I probably should stop acting like that…” and then nothing changes. “I probably shouldn’t do that…” and then it gets forgotten about. That’s what self-improvement frequently looks like. It’s a process of realizing we need to do something different, but with very little will or motivation behind it nothing truly changes. Gym memberships get forgotten about, pizza is ordered and the diet is left behind, the cigarettes were there and they got used, so much for quitting smoking.
All that said, there are times when diets work, smoking is curbed, and gym memberships get used. What’s the difference? Why does it work sometimes and not others? This is where I find the difference between self-mastery and self-improvement lies.
Typically when I talk about self-mastery, I do it in reference to deep inner work, which self-mastery absolutely includes. But self-mastery can also be a desire to change a habit or a lifestyle. If we think about what’s needed to change those, there is a certain amount of inner work that’s required.
Let’s face it, sheer will only gets people so far. It gets us passed the gate. It gets us started, but sheer will isn’t good as a long term tool when momentum and longevity are needed. Our ability to simply push ourselves through something runs out after a while and then we need a new reason to keep going. Where does that new reason come from? My answer to that is self-mastery.
I’ve defined self-mastery as the process of managing yourself in the experience. Here’s how it works:
Decide what the experience is – a lifestyle change of some kind.
Decide what the long term goal is going to be – you fill in the blank.
Make a choice to commit to the goal. The goal has to be something we truly want. It can’t just be something we think we’re supposed to do, it has to be something we want enough that we’re willing to commit to it long term. This, right here is why most resolutions fail. They are “supposed to do’s” instead of deeply held inner commitments.
Be willing to deal with the lack of will power when that inevitably shows up. We have to hold our own feet to the fire by understanding what the pain is, why we’re no longer motivated, or why we’re suddenly afraid of the goal. The deep inner work is required to make a lifestyle change last.
Here’s one of those hard truths again – any lifestyle change will require a certain amount of inner healing in order to be successful. You will have to confront all the fears and the pain when it comes up if you intend to reach your goal. This is why the goal has to mean something. If it’s on the “supposed to do” list you won’t be motivated enough to work through all the inner pain when it shows up.
The reason why I was able to fix my insecurity was because I created a goal around it that meant something to me. The end goal was incredibly important. I used the end goal as the motivation when the going got tough. The end goal was my raison d’etre. It was the reason to do the work. Your end goal has to be equally as powerful to you.
The goal or motivation matters, especially at the beginning. You need it until you create enough momentum that it becomes self-perpetuating. Eventually you’ll do it anyway, but you have to get to that point first. That’s why you need a big, powerful goal to get started. It’s going to be motivation for a long time.
For me, self-mastery is now self-perpetuating. It’s something I do anyway. It’s a habit, a lifestyle, a way of being that I won’t change. It’s how I live in the world these days, but I didn’t start there. I needed my end goal for a few years before it became something I was going to do anyway. How long you will need your goal is completely dependent on you and what you’re trying to achieve.
Healing is a lifestyle choice no matter how you come to it. It doesn’t matter whether healing looks like a diet or fixing your insecurity or anything else. It’s a choice. It’s something we do with intention because it means something to us. When things are done with intention, purpose, and meaning, they are more likely to stick. Why? Because we’re willing to work through the fear and the pain that comes up along the way. If it scares you off, then you don’t want it bad enough yet. When you truly want it, the fear will not stop you anymore. You will find a way through the fear.
Fear is something that I sat in while I was dealing with my insecurity. What happens if I don’t fix this? What happens if I act differently? What happens if I don’t do what they want me to do? What happens if I let the balls drop? I sat it in fear for months not fixing things, letting balls drop, reacting differently, and not doing what people were telling me to do. I spent months sitting on my couch by myself terrified of nothing more than my own thoughts. The only way I got through those months was because I had a goal that was powerful enough to make that worth it.
Change is a choice that’s really quite simple. How badly do you want it? Are you willing to commit yet? Are you ready to do the work? Self-improvement says yes until I run into a speed bump. Self-mastery says yes, I’m committed to permanent change. The choice is yours.
Want more on self-mastery, healing, spirituality, and other topics? Check out The Rebel Philosopher’s Notes. More is being added all the time!
Love to all.
Della